45 Ron Swanson Quotes & Sayings 2023

Ron Swanson Quotes

I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.

Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.

I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.

Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.

I regret nothing. The end.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.

Ron Swanson Quotes Breakfast

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.

Best Ron Swanson Quotes

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

There is only one bad word: taxes.

Friends: one to three is sufficient.

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

I’ll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.

I was born ready. I’m Ron Fucking Swanson.

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.

Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.

Ron Swanson Quotes About Tammy

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.

If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

So you talked to Tammy? What’s it like to stare into the eye of Satan’s butthole?

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.

Turkey can never beat cow.

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.

You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.

Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?

Ron Swanson Quotes About Food

Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.

Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.

I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

Ron Swanson Quotes About Work

Talking about an IPod: “TOM PUT ALL MY RECORDS INTO THIS RECTANGLE. THE SONGS JUST PLAY ONE AFTER THE OTHER. THIS IS AN EXCELLENT RECTANGLE.

I’m not interested in caring about people.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

Leslie: “Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?

Ron: “People are idiots, Leslie.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

[On bowling]” Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.

Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half-eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.

My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.

I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.

There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.

If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me!

Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.

Busy? Impossible. I work for the government.

Child labor laws are ruining this country.

I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.

When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!