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Who’s George Carlin?
He was America’s most poignant and provocative social critics, the irreverant actor, author and comedian left no sacred cow unsinged as he took to lobbing one grenade after the next into the comfort zones of American life.
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George Carlin Quotes
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
“I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”
“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”
George Carlin Quotes Education
“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”
“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”
“Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.”
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach your children to question what they read, teach them to question everything.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin Quotes Religion
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin Quotes philosophy
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”
“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
Some people see things that are, and ask, why?Some people dream of things that never were, and ask, why not?Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Just because you got the monkey off your back, doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. – George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes Love
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. – George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. – George Carlin
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that. – George Carlin
Meow” means “woof” in cat. – George Carlin
Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes. – George Carlin
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic. – George Carlin
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. – George Carlin
He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. – George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin
I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. – George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes American Dream
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. – George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. – George Carlin
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. – George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. – George Carlin
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be. – George Carlin
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. – George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. – George Carlin
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. – George Carlin
How is it possible to have a civil war? – George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place. – George Carlin
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. – George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes Life
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school. – George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. – George Carlin
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? – George Carlin
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? – George Carlin
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. – George Carlin
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck – George Carlin
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin
“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” – George Carlin
“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.” – George Carlin
“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” – George Carlin
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin
“Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.” – George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes Voting
“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.” – George Carlin
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.” – George Carlin
“Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” – George Carlin
“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.” – George Carlin
“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” – George Carlin
“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” – George Carlin
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
“When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you are born in America, you get a front row seat.” – George Carlin
“’Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.” – George Carlin
“Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” – George Carlin
“Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.” – George Carlin
“We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” – George Carlin
“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” – George Carlin
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin
“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.” – George Carlin
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” – George Carlin
“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin
“One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.” – George Carlin
“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” – George Carlin
“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” – George Carlin
“Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” – George Carlin
“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” – George Carlin
“I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.” – George Carlin
“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.” – George Carlin
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin
“How is it possible to have a civil war?” – George Carlin
“When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.” – George Carlin
“Think off-center.” – George Carlin
“I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.” – George Carlin
“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” – George Carlin
“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” – George Carlin
“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” – George Carlin
“Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.” – George Carlin
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. – George Carlin
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Religion is like a pair of shoes, find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.
The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Religion is just mind control.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Tell people that there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
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